


dont worry the chicken only comes up like every 90 seconds its not supposed to be distracting its just a fun lil bonus

by itsdave



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22723309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave
Summary: Dave and Karkat make beautiful music together.
Relationships: Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 30
Kudos: 165





	dont worry the chicken only comes up like every 90 seconds its not supposed to be distracting its just a fun lil bonus

turntechGodhead [TG] is trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TG: ok you ready  
CG: UGH  
CG: YEAH I GUESS.  
CG: LET’S GET THIS THE FUCK OVER WITH.  
TG: oh cmon karkat thats such a bullshit attitude were havin fun here  
CG: BLUH.  
TG: i mean itd be more fun if we could just do this out loud like normal people  
CG: ABSOLUTELY THE FUCK NOT.  
TG: this is so stupid man  


DAVE: im sitting right next to you  
DAVE: this is some serious fourth grade teehee were in the same room talkin onlinez bullshit  
DAVE: you know that right  
KARKAT: SURE, WE CAN TALK TO EACH OTHER OUT LOUD.  
KARKAT: THIS IS FINE.  
DAVE: ok then what the fuck  
KARKAT: IF I’M ACTUALLY GONNA DO THIS, DAVE, THERE’S NO WAY IN *HELL* I’M DOING IT SO I CAN FUCKING HEAR MYSELF.  
KARKAT: *THAT’S* WHAT THE FUCK.  
DAVE: oh cmon thats how i do it all the time it just flows easier  
KARKAT: NOPE. IF YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS, FINE. YOU'VE FUCKING BEATEN ME INTO SUBMISSION.  
KARKAT: BUT I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT LETTING YOU, ME, OR ANYBODY WHO COULD POSSIBLY BE PASSING WITHIN EARSHOT *HEAR* ME DO IT.  
DAVE: mann  
KARKAT: I AM *NOT* FUCKING *RAPPING OUT LOUD, DAVE!*  
KARKAT: END OF DISCUSSION!  
DAVE: fine  


TG: lets just do the whole thing on trollian then  
TG: otherwise im gonna get in the groove accidentally and start spittin some sick fires  
TG: and youre not gonna be able to jump in with your own like i know you wanna cuz were gonna be flowin in different media  
TG: and its gonna be a fucking mess  
TG: im making this sacrifice for you karkat i am hobbling my god given abilities just for you so you can feel included  
CG: I DON’T FUCKING *WANT* TO FEEL INCLUDED, DAVE!  
CG: I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS!  
CG: YOU FUCKING CONSCRIPTED ME!  
TG: hush no i didnt  
CG: YES YOU FUCKING DID!  
CG: I COME FROM A VERY CONSCRIPTION HAPPY PLANET, DAVE!  
CG: I KNOW WHAT IT FUCKING LOOKS LIKE!  
TG: i didnt conscript shit  
TG: i bribed you  
TG: thats a totally different time honored human practice  
TG: now quit your whining and eat your beetles and lets get this fuckin show on the road  
CG: FIIINE.  
CG: HOW DO WE START?  
TG: ok well first obviously we gotta get a sick beat goin  
TG: im sorry karkat i cant really do a text beat  
TG: like i could just type out wump wump wump a bunch of times like a jackass but its not actually gonna be a rhythm at all its gonna completely defeat the purpose  
TG: its gonna be a vestigial beat like an appendix of the ears  
TG: its gonna be purely ornamental  
CG: SIGH  
TG: yeah so instead im just gonna play an actual out loud beat i cooked up earlier on my laptop  
TG: since we dont have a good visual beat alternative the technologys just not there yet  
CG: OK.  
TG: there we go  
TG: you feel that  
CG: I FUCKING HEAR IT.  
TG: haha yeah that too  
TG: but i mean  
TG: do you feel it in your SOUL  
TG: does it INSPIRE YOU  
CG: IT’S PRETTY GOOD.  
TG: thanks thats really nice to hear actually this is a new one ive been workin on  
TG: real deceptively simple but with some subtle surprises  
CG: WAS THAT A CHICKEN???  
TG: a subtle chicken  
CG: HAHA OH MY GOD.  
TG: dont worry the chicken only comes up like every 90 seconds its not supposed to be distracting its just a fun lil bonus  
CG: UH HUH.  
TG: yeah just somethin to make you pause and say hold up was that a fucking CHICKEN i just heard  
TG: and then you slowly lose your mind and question your reality as you wait for it to repeat  
TG: and it never does even though everything else seems to be on a way noticeably shorter loop  
TG: and just as youve finally convinced yourself the chicken was a mere phantom  
TG: and youre on the phone halfway through booking yourself an mri to check for a brain tumor  
TG: you hear it again  
TG: and you have to apologize to this poor mri receptionist for wasting their time  
TG: and you go back to enjoyin some sick rhymes with an all new grateful appreciation for life and a teary eyed vow never to waste another day of good health again  
CG: THIS ALL SEEMS REALLY FUCKING DISTRACTING, DAVE.  
CG: AREN’T PEOPLE SUPPOSED TO BE LISTENING TO US FUCKING RAPPING OVER THIS?  
CG: IT SOUNDS LIKE WE DON’T HAVE TO DO SHIT.  
CG: THE CHICKEN’S GONNA BE DOING ALL THE WORK.  
TG: what no  
TG: theyll hear us too  
TG: its all gonna be playing simultaneously in their heads  
TG: rap fans are famously good multitaskers karkat  
TG: everybody knows that  
CG: DO THEY  
TG: its true bro ask any rap fan in this room theyll tell you the same thing  
CG: YOU’RE THE ONLY OTHER FUCKING PERSON HERE, DAVE.  
TG: huh how bout that  
CG: OK. JESUS. THIS IS TAKING FOREVER.  
CG: WE’RE GONNA HIT ANOTHER CHICKEN SOON.  
TG: ...or are we  
CG: OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE!  
CG: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU LET YOUR IRONIC BULLSHIT MINGLE WITH YOUR “ONE TRUE ART FORM” LIKE THIS.  
TG: what what do you mean  
CG: I MEAN I THOUGHT YOU FUCKING TOOK YOUR RAP SERIOUSLY!  
TG: of course i do karkat how dare you  
CG: THEN WHY IS THERE A FUCKING PHANTOM CHICKEN IN IT??  
TG: because irony is also the one true art form karkat jesus christ its like you havent listened to a word ive said  
TG: this is serious ass business here and you dont have a fuckin clue thank god i found you we got a lotta work to do here  
TG: gotta teach you the ways of civilized society youve gotta learn how to hold a spoon and wear socks and appreciate proper chicken placement  
CG: SIGH.  
TG: now i seem to remember somebody all riled up to move on to the next step who could that have been all i see here is a dude who wants to talk about ghost chickens all day  
CG: THAT FUCKING DUDE IS *YOU,* DAVE!!  
TG: nope im ready to move on i got all my notes in order i wrote my name all fancy on the blackboard im the cool new teacher karkat i wear sneakers with my blazer and i dont give a fuck now are you ready to learn  
CG: SIGH  
CG: YEAH  
CG: COME ON WHAT’S THE NEXT STEP??  
TG: ok great the next step is obviously that you gotta kinda talk yourself up  
TG: gotta really let people know how amazing the science youre about to lay down is gonna be  
TG: so they can prepare accordingly  
TG: put on their lab goggles  
TG: gotta show em that poster that says carol didnt wear lab goggles now she doesnt need to  
TG: where shes all walkin with a blind persons stick  
TG: that really kinda downplays the whole facial injury thing in my opinion  
TG: like yeah obviously if you take chemicals to the face you dont wanna go blind sure  
TG: but its prolly gonna hurt like a bitch no matter what  
TG: like im pretty sure carols not just throwin shit in her face left and right  
TG: shes probably still pretty fucking careful  
TG: if anything shes probably hells more careful after the whole blinding fiasco  
CG: IS THIS YOU TALKING YOURSELF UP, DAVE?  
CG: BECAUSE I’M NOT SURE IT’S WORKING.  
TG: oh hell no  
TG: this is just a preamble  
CG: OH MY GOD.  
TG: its ok you dont have to do a preamble if you dont want  
CG: GOOD.  
TG: yeah you can just start with a regular amble  
CG: ...  
CG: OK??  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THE REGULAR AMBLE??  
TG: oh shit right you dont know why would you know  
TG: ok  
TG: so  
TG: ok heres mine here we go  
CG: OK.  
TG: no shut up this is it  
CG: OH SHIT SORRY.  
TG: stop typing man youre interrupting my flow this is it this is the hype its in progress  
CG: OH  
TG: as we speak  
TG: ...  
TG: cool check it are you ready for some ill rhymes karkat  
TG: ...ok now you can actually respond  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK???  
TG: sorry you were throwin me off my rhythm before but this is actually a call and response type situation so im gonna need a little audience participation  
CG: I’M NOT THE FUCKING AUDIENCE, DAVE!  
CG: SUPPOSEDLY I’M PART OF YOUR STUPID ASS “CREW!”  
TG: yeah but just  
TG: since theres nobody else here  
TG: cmon just work with me  
CG: SIGH.  
CG: YEAH DAVE.  
CG: I’M READY FOR SOME ILL RHYMES.  
TG: you wanna know how ill they are  
CG: YES.  
TG: oh they are so ill  
TG: ...  
TG:  HOW ILL ARE THEY DAVE  
CG: FUCK  
CG: SORRY  
CG: DAVE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I’M DOING! YOU CAN’T JUST RELY ON ME TO PICK UP THE SLACK LIKE THIS!  
CG: THIS IS SO STUPID!  
TG: fine  
TG: just kinda toss in some “oh yeahs” and “aw shits” and “oh damns” as i lay it out  
TG: just however you feel them you know as you deem appropriate  
CG: ...OK  
TG: its fine youll get the hang of it its like ridin a two wheel device  
TG: probably  
TG: ...can you  
CG: YEAH, DAVE, I CAN RIDE A FUCKING TWO WHEEL DEVICE!  
CG: I’M NOT AN IDIOT!  
TG: ok well  
CG: JUST START WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU’RE PLANNING ON DOING, AND I’LL THROW IN SOME “OH DAMNS” WHENEVER I HEAR THEIR FUCKING SIREN SONG!  
TG: awesome perfect here we go  
TG: these rhymes are so ill karkat  
TG: theyve been quarantined by the cdc  
CG: OH DAMN  
TG: haha yeah man nice  
TG: they were pokin around an old abandoned mine  
TG: never a good idea  
TG: that always leads to weird shit  
CG: OH YEAH  
TG: haha yeah this guy knows  
TG: anyway in like the deepest darkest tunnel they found this weird glowing cube  
TG: they picked it up and squeezed it cuz i mean what the fuck else are you gonna do with a glowing cube just drop kick it deeper into the mine  
TG: obviously that would be the responsible course of action  
TG: but nobodys ever gonna do that this is fuckin pandoras cube right here  
CG: AW SHIT  
TG: so they squeezed it and it shot all these weird alien spores into their eyes and they started sprouting all these freaky crystals on their face  
TG: it is a medical marvel and also possibly the end of the world  
CG: OH YEAH  
TG: so theyve been rushed to atlanta thats where the cdc is for all you trolls in the audience  
CG: OH DAMN  
TG: and now they gotta live out the rest of their possibly very short lives in a big plastic bubble all covered in weird space crystals thats just how ill they are  
TG: it straight up sucks its a tragic tale of a life cut short by happenstance  
CG: AW SHIT.  
TG: oh yeah those rhymes  
TG: cut down in their primes  
TG: by a crystalline mystery virus  
TG: never once witnessed in history by us  
TG: ie common earth folk  
TG: never even awoke  
TG: to interstellar travel  
TG: now we gotta watch our world unravel  
TG: at the realization  
TG: that alien life is real  
TG: and the total cessation  
TG: of our way of life no appeal  
TG: just pretend i didnt rhyme life with life back there  
TG: and instead look at this plastic tent rife with stifled air  
TG: but those rhymes inside  
TG: are taking their bleak life in stride  
TG: a lesser rhyme might break  
TG: or pop  
TG: their plastic cage with some bedding  
TG: but thats the sacrifice they make  
TG: to stop  
TG: this contagion from spreading  
TG: but the rhymes are sublime  
TG: stead of climb-  
TG: ing the walls  
TG: they sit collected  
TG: and chill  
TG: never dejected  
TG: despite being ill  
TG: dont succumb  
TG: to the thought  
TG: they might not  
TG: overcome  
TG: this alien disease called friendship  


KARKAT: HAHAHAHA!!!  
DAVE: ok i mean its a little rude to laugh at a guy just poured his heart and soul into a rap for you but whatever  
KARKAT: FUCK, SORRY!  
KARKAT: THAT WAS ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING GOOD!  
DAVE: yeah?  
KARKAT: YEAH!  
KARKAT: I EVEN FORGOT TO DO THE OH DAMNS.  
DAVE: oh no youre not supposed to intersperse them in the rap itself  
KARKAT: OH.  
DAVE: yeah thats way uncool like even uncooler than straight up laughing at the end  
DAVE: and i think you already know the rap communitys stance on that one  
KARKAT: OH FUCK.  
KARKAT: I GUESS IT’S A GOOD THING I FORGOT.  
DAVE: yeah you got lucky  
DAVE: thankfully my flow was so fuckin smooth you slipped on it and fell on your ass and couldnt reach the keyboard  
KARKAT: THAT IS ACTUALLY KIND OF WHAT HAPPENED.  
DAVE: you could sue i dont see a single slippery when rapping sign around  
KARKAT: MAYBE I WILL.  
DAVE: haha  
KARKAT: NO REALLY, THAT WAS GREAT.  
KARKAT: UM  


CG: SO I HAVE TO DO ALL THAT SHIT NOW?  
TG: yep thats the basic gist  
TG: i mean you dont have to keep riffing on your hype man routine when the actual routine comes  
TG: thats totally optional i just happened to go with it in this situation because i had a lot to say on the matter  
CG: RIGHT.  
TG: but its ok well start slow you dont have to go straight from one to the other either thats an advanced technique  
TG: lets just do the hype part for now  
CG: OK  
TG: it doesnt have to rhyme or anything  
TG: it just has to be imbued with the firm and religiously held conviction that your rhymes are the illest science ever to grace the ears of man and troll alike  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: UM.  
TG: cmon karkat you can do it i believe in you  
TG: just open up and tell me straight from your blood pusher  
TG: how ill are your rhymes  
CG: UM.  
CG: THEY’RE  
CG: THEY’RE DEAD!!  
TG: hahaha ok  
CG: YEP.  
CG: FUCKING DEAD, DAVE.  
CG: UM  
CG: THEY WOKE UP THIS MORNING WITH A TICKLE IN THE BACK OF THEIR COLLECTIVE RHYME THROAT  
CG: BUT THEY DIDN’T THINK ANYTHING OF IT.  
TG: oh damn  
CG: THEY JUST PUSHED IT TO THE BACK OF THEIR MIND AND WENT ABOUT THEIR DAY.  
CG: BUT ALL MORNING SOMETHING JUST FELT KIND OF “OFF.”  
CG: LIKE THEY COULDN’T FOCUS AND KEPT DROPPING THINGS.  
CG: THEY COULD JUST TELL THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG, AND THEY WERE TRYING REALLY HARD TO KEEP THE PANIC FROM BUBBLING UP.  
TG: um  
CG: THEN WHEN THEY WERE EATING NOON MEAL THEY KIND OF BREATHED IN AT THE SAME TIME THEY WERE DRINKING.  
CG: SO THEY STARTED COUGHING  
CG: AND THEN THEY JUST COULDN’T STOP.  
TG: jesus christ  
CG: THE RHYMES WERE BENT OVER DOUBLE COUGHING AND WHEEZING AND FINALLY HACKED UP A GRISTLY BLOODY PULSING GLOB THAT GRADUALLY PULSED SLOWER AND SLOWER ON THE GROUND AS THEY WATCHED IN DESPAIR, THEIR VISION GROWING DARK.  
TG: holy shit dude  
CG: THEY WERE RUSHED TO A PHYSICIANNIHILATOR.  
CG: BUT  
CG: THEY DIDN’T MAKE IT.  
TG: !!  
CG: THEY WERE DEAD ON ARRIVAL.  
TG: fuck  
TG: what was it  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: i mean what was wrong with your rhymes what killed them  
CG: OH.  
CG: VIRULENT NUB DISSOLUTION  
TG: oh my god is that real  
CG: YEAH.  
CG: IT WAS PRETTY COMMON, ACTUALLY.  
TG: god damn  
TG: really  
CG: YEAH.  
TG: fuck  
TG: could YOU get that??  
TG: like is that a possibility  
CG: UM.  
CG: I DOUBT IT.  
CG: IT WAS A VIRUS, SO IT PROBABLY DIED OUT WITH EVERYTHING ELSE ON MY PLANET.  
TG: fucking GOOD  
TG: jesus  
TG: ok well i think weve established that your rhymes are sufficiently ill  
TG: or at least they were before they fucking coughed up their own heart thats what im assuming that was by the way  
CG: YEAH THAT’S RIGHT.  
TG: jfc  
TG: ok  
TG: um  
TG: i think i need a minute  


DAVE: hoo boy  
KARKAT: FUCK.  
KARKAT: SORRY.  
DAVE: haha shiiiit  
KARKAT: ARE YOU OK?  
DAVE: hahahahaha  
KARKAT: WHAT’S SO FUNNY?  
DAVE: oh my god dude  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK, DAVE? WHAT IS IT?  
DAVE: nothin im just  
DAVE: haha that was a fucking HELL of a hype karkat  
DAVE: not exactly traditional but you know what it was visceral  
DAVE: hahaha fuck  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING?  
DAVE: oh my god sorry i think im over the horror now like i hauled myself over that hump  
DAVE: and now im just like  
DAVE: haha im just having these incredible visions of you and me in that spongebob episode where he and plankton try to sing a song about fun together  
DAVE: and planktons just so not getting the general vibe of the exercise like he is completely lost  
DAVE: spongebob just wants to celebrate friendship like a real motherfucker but planktons singin about nuclear bombs and screaming and shit  
KARKAT: ???  
DAVE: hahahahahaha  
DAVE: oh my god and now of course now we come to the point in the conversation where i mention a tv show and you reveal whether you had exactly the same one or youve never heard of it and think im batshit insane  
DAVE: ok here we go did you have spongebob squarepants karkat ready give your answer in  
DAVE: 3  
DAVE: 2  
DAVE: 1  
KARKAT: NO.  
DAVE: yes but you called it fucking grubbob  
DAVE: fuck  
KARKAT: HAHAH!  
KARKAT: SORRY!  
KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK IS IT?  
DAVE: oh it was this great cartoon about an irrepressibly happy lil guy who flits around the ocean floor flippin burgers and wearin a tie and just kinda all around makin everybodys day at all times  
DAVE: and then he has this buddy slash arch rival plankton whos got a real small guy napoleon complex and wants to control everything and yells and screams a lot at an impressively louder volume than youd ever expect to come out of such a cute little fella  
KARKAT: ...  
DAVE: you wanna guess which one you are  
KARKAT: I’D FUCKING LOVE TO, DAVE, BUT I THINK MY PAN STOPPED FUNCTIONING WHEN YOU REVEALED THAT YOU THINK OF YOURSELF AS “IRREPRESSIBLY HAPPY.”  
DAVE: haha  
KARKAT: I JUST COULDN’T HEAR ANYTHING AFTER THAT OVER THE RINGING IN MY HEAR DUCTS.  
DAVE: ok fine so im no spongebob you got me  
DAVE: OBVIOUSLY that honor goes to the mayor  
KARKAT: OH SHIT, YEAH. OBVIOUSLY!  
DAVE: fuck you  
KARKAT: NO, I’M SERIOUS!  
KARKAT: BASED ON WHAT YOU SAID THAT SOUNDS EXACTLY FUCKING RIGHT.  
DAVE: yeah damn how did i not see that from the getgo i have no idea  
KARKAT: WELL THEN WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?  
DAVE: um  
DAVE: oh wait shit  
DAVE: im sandy  
KARKAT: SANDY?  
DAVE: yeah shes from texas and shes cool as shit shes always doin sick midair karate kicks shes a total fucking badass  
DAVE: oh my god fuck spongebob im bein sandy  
KARKAT: WAS SHE IN ON THIS FUCKING “VISION” YOU HAD?  
DAVE: naw that was a plankton and spongebob only affair  
DAVE: we could go get the mayor if you want  
KARKAT: NO, I DON’T FUCKING “WANT!”  
KARKAT: NEITHER THE MAYOR NOR I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THIS THING IS, DAVE!  
KARKAT: IT’S JUST GONNA BE TWO CLUELESS PEOPLE  
KARKAT: ONE WHO DOESN’T TALK  
KARKAT: AND ANOTHER WHO FUCKING REFUSES TO SING OUT LOUD AND HAS ONLY AGREED TO PARTICIPATE VIA TEXT AFTER YOU FINALLY AGREED TO MAKE THESE INCREDIBLE CHEETO BEETLES  
DAVE: ok were so obviously callin them cheetles  
KARKAT: FUCKING “SINGING” A SONG THEY DON’T FUCKING KNOW  
KARKAT: FROM A TV SHOW THAT NEVER EXISTED IN EITHER OF THEIR UNIVERSES  
KARKAT: FOR AN AUDIENCE OF ONE - A MAD FUCKING KING HIGH ON THE DRUG OF IMAGINING HIMSELF AS A FUCKING CARTOON NINJA!  
DAVE: oh my god  
DAVE: oh my god karkat  
DAVE: if you think that rundown of events is in any way gonna make me want to do it less you clearly dont know me at ALL  
KARKAT: FUCK!  
DAVE: jesus christ that sounds amazing  
DAVE: do you think we could get the mayor to do it  
DAVE: shit of course we could  
DAVE: the mayors always down for whatever  
DAVE: god bless the fucking mayor  
KARKAT: WELL I’M NOT FUCKING DOWN FOR IT!  
DAVE: karkat come on arent you forgetting something  
KARKAT: WHAT?  
DAVE: :|  
KARKAT: OH.  
KARKAT: YEAH.  
KARKAT: SIGH  
KARKAT: GOD BLESS THE MAYOR.  
DAVE: thank you  
DAVE: go on  
KARKAT: YEAH, EVEN THOUGH THE MAYOR WOULD DO ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING TO MAKE US SMILE, AND YOU’D BE ABLE TO TELL IT WASN’T JUST FOR OUR SAKE, LIKE HE WAS CLEARLY GETTING A LOT OF PERSONAL FULFILLMENT OUT OF IT TOO.  
DAVE: obviously  
KARKAT: YEAH OBVIOUSLY.  
KARKAT: *I* AM NOT THE FUCKING MAYOR.  
KARKAT: *I* AM *BARELY* HOLDING ON HERE DAVE.  
KARKAT: IF WE DON’T START WRITING SOME FUCKING LYRICS SOON I AM *BAILING.*  
DAVE: what really  
KARKAT: YES REALLY!  
KARKAT: THIS IS SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE AND I WANT TO GET IT DONE WITH.  
KARKAT: WE’VE BEEN AT THIS FOR GOD KNOWS HOW LONG AND I HAVEN’T EVEN FUCKING RAPPED YET.  
KARKAT: WE SPENT A LONG FUCKING TIME TALKING ABOUT A SONG SOME LONG-DEAD CARTOONS SANG, BUT WE CAN’T COUNT THAT!  
KARKAT: SOMEBODY ALREADY WROTE THAT SONG!  
DAVE: naw its cool its all part of the process  
KARKAT: THIS PROCESS IS TAKING FOR FUCKING EVER!  
DAVE: damn ok fine you wanna get a move on karkat i can understand that i feel you  
DAVE: youve got a fire in your soul i can tell and youre just burstin to get it out  


TG: so why dont you put out that fire with some sick rhymes  
CG: ...  
CG: SO MY RHYMES ARE WATER NOW?  
TG: what  
CG: FIRST YOU SAID THEY WERE FIRE.  
CG: THEN WE SPENT FUCKING FOREVER ESTABLISHING HOW RIDDLED WITH DISEASE THEY ARE.  
CG: BUT NOW APPARENTLY *I’M* ON FIRE?  
CG: ...BECAUSE OF THE RHYMES?  
CG: AND I NEED MORE RHYMES TO PUT THE FIRE OUT?  
TG: yeah youre fightin fire with fire karkat thats the name of the game  
CG: DAVE YOUR METAPHORS ARE A FUCKING DISASTER  
TG: no way theyre perfect  
CG: AND AN EMBARRASSMENT  
TG: ok wait hold up thats good thats good  
CG: WHAT?  
TG: you started insulting me there  
TG: in like  
TG: something that could almost maybe be interpreted as a rhythm  
TG: keep that up  
CG: REALLY?  
TG: yeah cmon just tell me how much i suck well do a rap battle itll be perfect  
TG: oh my god why werent we tryna do this all along that is so obviously your calling  
CG: YEAH?  
TG: yeah man you just fuckin march up to people and insult them to their faces like a total dick  
TG: in a way youve been rap battling your whole life karkat  
TG: you just didnt realize it  
CG: HUH  
TG: time to open your fuckin eyes  
CG: WOW.  
TG: youre in the matrix bro  
TG: have been all along  
CG: OK.  
CG: OK I CAN TRY THAT.  
TG: yeah cmon dodge those bullets jump inside hugo weaving youre the one its your destiny lets do this  
CG: OK  
CG: UM  
CG: DAVE  
CG: YOU SUCK  
TG: haha  
TG: thats a bold ass start karkat  
TG: keep it up dude  
TG: why do i suck  
TG: or how much  
TG: both are acceptable  
CG: OK  
CG: YOU SUCK BECAUSE YOU’RE TRYING TO MAKE ME DO THIS THING THAT *I* SUCK AT.  
CG: I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I’M DOING!  
CG: AND YOU KEEP REVEALING ALL THESE BULLSHIT RULES WHENEVER I STUMBLE OVER THEM IN THE DARK.  
CG: LIKE I WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW THEY WERE THERE THE WHOLE TIME!  
CG: I MEAN *FUCK!*  
TG: ok pretty good passion  
TG: i like that theres a lot to work with here  
TG: but it kinda does actually have to rhyme thats like the one actual requirement here  
CG: FUCK.  
CG: RIGHT.  
CG: OK GIVE ME A SECOND.  
TG: sure  
CG: ...  
CG: I’M FUMBLING THROUGH THIS FUCKING DARK CAVE  
CG: I KEEP TRIPPING ON YOUR RAP RULES  
CG: BUT *YOU’RE* THE ONE WHO’S TRIPPING, DAVE  
TG: oh my jesus yes  
TG: i was so hoping youd say that you have no idea  
CG: IF YOU THINK I WANNA ATTEND YOUR RAP SCHOOLS  
CG: AND LECTURES  
CG: YOU SAY YOU’RE WEARING SNEAKERS WITH YOUR BLAZER  
CG: LET ME OFFER A CONJECTURE  
CG: (FUCK THAT SHOULD BE CONJECTURES)  
TG: naw its fine its a slant rhyme those count  
TG: keep goin  
CG: YOU SHOULDN’T BE MY RAP APPRAISER  
TG: holy shit thats awesome  
TG: that so makes up for lectures/conjecture  
CG: YOU SAID WE'RE HAVING A RAP BATTLE  
CG: I’VE GOT THE RECEIPTS UP HERE ON TROLLIAN  
TG: !!!  
CG: BUT ALL I’M GETTING IS SUPPORTIVE PRATTLE  
CG: EXCEPT THAT TIME YOU CALLED ME NAPOLEON  
TG: i am losing my fucking mind here karkat  
CG: YEAH SEE, LIKE THAT  
CG: ALL YOU WANNA DO IS HEM AND HAW ABOUT  
CG: COME ON, STRIKE BACK  
CG: ^THERE’S A SLANT RHYME TO FUCKING DRAW YOU OUT  
TG: oh my good goddamn  
TG: i  
TG: i see what youre doin here you want me to rap back  
TG: but you gotta understand karkat this is like a beautiful delicate bird  
TG: never before discovered  
TG: unsullied by human contact  
TG: im worried if i touch it ill break its wings id never be able to live with myself  
CG: OH NOW WHO'S NOT RHYMING?  
TG: that wasnt a fucking rap bro that was just my truest feelings on display  
TG: your bizarre homegrown rap abilities are beyond my tutelage dude all i can do is whisper sweet encouragements to them and pray im doin the right thing  
CG: COME ON, YOU SAID WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BATTLE!  
CG: AND I’M FINALLY GETTING THE FUCKING HANG OF THIS!  
CG: STEP THE FUCK UP, DAVE!  
TG: whew  
TG: ok  
TG: ok  
TG: just  
TG: i feel like one of us is gonna get destroyed here and honestly im not sure anymore which one its gonna be  
TG: but just so you know im gonna pull out all the stops ok  
TG: im not gonna go easy on you im gonna spit some fire  
CG: ...  
CG: HOW ILL ARE YOUR FIRES, DAVE?  
TG: oh my GOD you fucker  
TG: my fires are SO ill  
TG: the whole hospitals fucking engulfed  
CG: OH YEAH?  
TG: yeah man  
TG: the flames are lickin up the walls  
TG: creepin their way down the halls  
TG: past a waiting room with mem'ries of broken arms and sneezes  
TG: and a buncha beds for holdin all your harms and diseases  
TG: to a dang’rous lookin closet marked in bright red “biohazard”  
TG: theres a chain and padlock on the door so you know what ima hazard  
TG: a guess  
TG: that the shit inside is nothin should be released on the world  
TG: thats why the staff evacuated as the flames unfurled  
TG: but wait everybody hold up  
TG: theres still somebody holed up  
TG: in the corner  
TG: hes been here for a while  
TG: not just anybody, its a troll, dup-  
TG: licating my style  
TG: starin at his palmhusk intently  
TG: watchin my lectures, consequently  
TG: he missed the marching orders  
TG: and kissed his gray hindquarters  
TG: goodbye  
CG: HAHAHA!  
TG: hey im not done  
CG: SORRY!  
TG: yeah  
TG: so dont be breathin in that smoke  
TG: lest you wanna be bequeathin me your broke-  
TG: ass rhymin skills  
TG: and i dont want em so just get the fuck out of there karkat seriously this is an incredibly dangerous situation i mean sick fires are you kidding me thats like deadly to the power of deadly how the fuck have you not evacuated yet  
TG: ok now im done  


KARKAT: HAHAHAHA!  
DAVE: yeah thats right karkat i told you i wasnt gonna hold back  
KARKAT: YOU DEFINITELY DIDN’T.  
DAVE: ok now lets see what you got bro  
DAVE: lets see these skills continue to grow and flourish before our very eyes  
KARKAT: OK.  


CG: DAVE, WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THIS DISEASE FASCINATION?  
CG: I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE REALLY COOBEAST-HOLING MY RAP EDUCATION.  
CG: ALIEN CONTAMINATION  
CG: HOSPITAL EVACUATION  
CG: THERE’S GOT TO BE MORE TO THE MEDIUM THAN FUCKING HEALTH DETERIORATION!  


DAVE: hahahahahahaha  
DAVE: oh my god this is unreal  
DAVE: you wanna keep going?  
DAVE: i mean i got somethin i can definitely hit back with but i understand if you wanna take a breather  
DAVE: these are muscles youve never flexed before you dont wanna pull somethin  
KARKAT: MY MUSCLES ARE FINE, DAVE!  
KARKAT: FUCKING HIT ME!  
DAVE: bahaha ok give me some of those weird cheetles maybe thats where youre gettin your edge  
KARKAT: HERE.  
DAVE: oh my god these things are horrible why do you want legs in your snacks bro  
KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK *DON’T* *YOU?*  


TG: haha whatever now that ive drawn upon the power of the cheetle  
TG: im totally picturing don cheadle every time i say that fyi  
CG: YEAH, ME TOO.  
TG: haha ok now that ive drawn on the power of don cheadle  
TG: im ready to go  
TG: check it  


They then continued to have one of the most adorable rap-offs in the history of paradox space.  



End file.
